Let’s not get into a debate about BIG conspiracy theories here. Whether or not Prince Phillip hired Mossad to drive the world trade centre into a magic bullet making JFKs head explode in amazement is not something that shall concern me in this little piece. No, what I want to explore are conspiracy theories that aren’t, but should be.
I postulated, via medium of twitter, that wisdom teeth were a genetically modified invention of the elite to make your mouth hurt like holy buggery just as you reach an age enough to question them and their intentions. And I stand by this. Just as you reach an age when you can be politically astute, and active, something conspires to make the rear of your mouth expand so that chewing anything essentially feels like you’ve got a mouthful of razorblades, salt and lemon juice. Subsequently you visit a dentist whose only option is to tell you they’re infected and thus they have to scare the living daylights out of you by jabbing a needle the size of the Eiffel Tower into your gum and extracting said tooth in the most brutal and painful way possible, just to show you the grizzly realities of life…If you fuck with the authorities, men in white coats will perform unspeakable tortures upon your person. Is this a conspiracy, no. Should it be; yes. Yes it probably should.
A reply to this comment implied with wit that I should blame grey hair on the ‘elite’ too. So I will. I am certain that some big money makers who really run this world have a disproportionate amount of shares in L’Oreal and Just For Men and whatever other hairdye companies you can think of. Celebrities are actually all grey haired old hacks whose hair has been dyed so shiny, lustrous, wonderful shades that we all must aspire to have wavy locks just like them. The following frenzied purchasing of ammonia laden follicle rot is inevitable, and what is more, I think hairdressers are also part of this established elite; because, after all, anyone can cut hair, you just need scissors. So why do we go out of our way and spend a lot of our hard earned money having someone with all the personality of a Jacob’s Cream Cracker fondle our scalp and ask us if we went anywhere nice on our holidays. Is this a conspiracy, no. Should it be. Of course.
Public transport also has its theory. You know when there’s always that person who makes you feel uncomfortable on public transport? Maybe it’s a shoddy dressed homeless man with a can of something that is supposed to be alcoholic but looks, and smells, like wood varnish; and his dog that looks past the rabies stage and well into undead. Or that old trampy lady who smells of cat piss and spends far too much time scratching a part of her that should never exist, let alone be touched by human hands. Well, they’re a conspiracy created on behalf of big oil companies to make you feel that the world of public transport is so threatening and maladjusted that you just have to purchase an automobile and further clog the already congested road system with your own fume-emitting tin box.
Cars themselves are actually a conspiracy on behalf of podiatrists who got so fed up with being busy with people complaining about their skanky feet that they had to invent something to free up their day, so they could pick and choose the most attractive people to fondle the soles and toes of.
Lighters. They’re not a convenient source of flame, they were invented by rockstars who got fed up of people suing them because when they held matches in the air during the soft-rock ballad they burnt their fingers. Something had to be done, so they conspired together with canny inventors to create the lighter.
I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP, CHECK THE FACTS.
The old philosophical questions “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” is only still in circulation thanks to a conspiracy on behalf of the creationist movement.
Trees are a conspiracy on behalf of the wood so that you can’t see what the wood is actually up to. Hence the expression “Can’t see the wood for the trees.”
Erm…
No, I’m not just making these up as I go along!
“Man cannot live on bread alone” was invented by supermarkets so you think you need stuff like, I don’t know…Pop tarts and cereal bars and orange juice from concentrate to live.
Erm…
Cows invented milk so that humans would keep them alive rather than slaughter them for their meat.
OK, I think I’m about out of ideas for now. But my point is; Is there a point? Well let us make one. My point is that there are a lot of things in this world that could, with sufficient circumstance and bullshitting be made to look like something is going on when it is not. As such, instead of believing the first thing you see, hear or read, you should examine all the evidence, and all the opinion before arriving at your own conclusions. In doing so you will see that big media corporations are just as guilty of bending the facts to an agenda just as much as tin-foil hat wearing reclusive virgins. It doesn’t necessarily mean one, or the other is wrong. But facts exist in the grey area between these two extremities. The human mind is a wonderful thing, capable of reason even against our natural instincts. As such we should all utilise it. Study the facts, study the evidence, study the stories, study the fictions and somewhere, in the midst of this great jungle of reported ‘truths’ you shall find what you believe.
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