Well, it's FINALLY HERE! The latest and greatest from Apple's epic series of mobile telecommunication devices! Yes, people have queued, lined up, beaten each other to death, trampled each other, saw nothing wrong with this, and FINALLY get their hands on the greatest technological innovation since sliced bread and/or the iPhone 4! Forget the mass amounts of Chinese labourers working long hours for shit pay, because we are assured their conditions are 'improving' - maybe now that can take one two-minute break per eight years work and are allowed to visit a doctor if they feel like their life is as a redundant part of a production line...merely a cog in a huge industrial machine...and they are feeling suicidal WHO CARES!? Who cares about seven year old miners (minor miners!) on the African continent digging up rare ores and minerals to make circuitry so they can have enough money to not die for a week...THERE'S NO TIME FOR HUMANITY AND EMPATHY! THERE'S A NEW iPHONE AND I'VE GOT APPS AND SHIT TO DOWNLOAD!!!!
So here they are...The AMAZING tech innovations that Apple has blessed the world with like the benevolent Gods they are!
1) SAME APPROXIMATE SHAPE AS THE LAST ONE!
Now you don't have to worry that people won't think you have an iPhone! Apple really dropped the ball when they changed shape between iPhones 3 and 4 as many people couldn't recognise what it was! "Is that an iPhone? It doesn't look like one and appearance is EVERYTHING to me because I am shallow!" they would say! So, this time around Apple have kept the same basic shape! How fucking clever!
2) BIGGER SCREEN!
Yeah, Apple have GONE THERE! In an impressive move that has set the mobile telecommunications world into gasps of shock and jaw-droppery, Apple...HAVE MADE THE SCREEN BIGGER! Tired of having to look at things on a very small screen? Now, you just get a quite small screen! AMAZING! This is an unheard of move that nobody has ever done before. This new bigger screen has been redesigned to allow for a bit more eye-room, approximately half an inch, and is made of exactly the same stuff as the old screen! HOW INNOVATIVE! I've not seen so many people shit themselves at the sight of a slightly-bigger-screen so much since the launch of the Nintendo DSXL! (During which one man actually died of what medical professionals could only describe as delusion...) So, Apple! You have excelled yourselves! A bigger screen? How fucking clever!
3) NEW CONNECTOR!
Tired of that old, huge, 30-pin connector? Yeah, most companies were back in around 2008 and moved on to smaller ones...But Apple didn't! Like the great innovators they are! They waited...they waited a long time...they waited a disproportionate length of time during which they were happy to have such a difficult connection! But, that's only because they wanted to make sure they had the PERFECT connector! The new Lightning connector will be so much smaller you'll be left screaming "Where is that giant, cumbersome crevice in the base of my iPhone!?" Instead, you will now have a much smaller, arbitrarily different, proprietary connector...much like other phones have had for ages! But Apple's is better...because...APPLE! How fucking clever!
4) BETTER CAMERA!
Tired of having that shitty, old, 2004 tech, 5 Mega-pixel piece of junk with a terrible zoom? Now you can have a shitty, old, 2008 tech, 8 Mega-pixel piece of junk with a terrible zoom...IN HD!!!!! Yes, Apple have made the shitty cameras on their devices slightly less shitty, making sure you can take awful shots of things no one gives a fuck about and upload them to instagram in slightly less shitty quality! WHAT AN INNOVATION! Of course, we all know that 8 Mega-pixels is DEFINITELY better than 5 Mega-pixels, because 8 is a bigger number! And that's the end of that. How fucking clever!
5) THREE! COUNT THEM! THREE MICROPHONES!
Yes, I bet you're tired of your relatively decent call quality. Have you ever wanted a phone call with sound quality SO CLEAR it's like being with the other person!? WELL NOW that probably won't happen because I'm not sure if the tinny speakers can really do that BUT APPLE HAVE ADDED MORE FUCKING MICROPHONES! Yes, with two dedicated noise cancelling microphones, now Siri can hear you talk about how awesome you are because you have the new iPhone in even better quality...and not bring up search results for "How I know I'm a Dick..." by mistake after mishearing you. All that REALLY IMPORTANT stuff you say will sound even MORE IMPORTANT! Maybe...again, depends on the quality of the other speaker...HOW FUCKING CLEVER!
6) NEW TECHNOLOGY!
Did you think Apple were going to include the same old shit in their phone? Did you think they'd have the same RAM, processors and antennae technology? OF COURSE NOT SILLY! THIS IS APPLE! Or any other manufacturer bringing out a new product...Yes! Thanks to the AMAZING AND UNIQUE INNOVATION at Apple, they have taken lots of components that other people not affiliated with Apple have made better. They have also, counter to common sense (presumably) improved their custom chipset to make it EVEN BETTER! They have, since the iPhone 4 been working on it!...AND PUT THEM IN THE IPHONE! This is...just...SERIOUSLY MARVEL AT THE GENIUS INVENTION OF THE APPLE GENIUSES! How fucking clever.
7) LUDICROUS PRICETAG!
Apple knows you! Apple knows! Apple knows you don't want to buy a reasonably priced phone that fits your budget, doesn't bankrupt you and still performs well doing all that stuff you love...like calling, texting and playing Angry Birds! APPLE KNOWS YOU WANT TO BUY STATUS WITH MONEY YOU DON'T HAVE SO YOU CAN LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE MORE MONEY THAN YOU HAVE! They know you want a mobile phone contract that contains things you don't use, for a price well above the odds, as well as having to pay a little bit extra for the phone...Because obviously price = STATUS! The more you pay for it, the better a person you must be to have all that money. So they have given you 24 month contracts of £35-40 with a £50-100 charge for the phone...Just for you, so you know people won't think you're poor, even though you are and are even more so now because you just got the new iPhone! Apple also knows that as a result of the blacklisting of your name due to County Court Judgments due to not being able to pay your last phone contract, Apple knows some people can't have phone contracts any more and need pay as you go...SO APPLE WILL SELL YOU THE iPHONE 5 FOR A LUDICROUS PRICE ANYWAY! So people still won't think you're poor...Good ol' Apple, looking out for you. How fucking clever.
Mind, meet blown!
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