Some fashions are written, weaved seamlessly into religious or institutional doctrines. This is done in order to provide an order to a certain group of people. Some cynics may suggest this is done as a psychological exercise, providing a sense of uniformity that better indoctrinates people to conform and identify with their own group as opposed to others. But we don't listen to cynics, do we? Some fashions are unwritten rules, sub-dividing a culture into different groups...usually for much the same purposes as the aforementioned written rules! Ultimately, it all comes down to fucking anyway, as this peacockish fashion show continues with us all in the vain hope of passing on our genes to a new generation of ultimately shallow, doomed fuckups.
Being as I am now cast adrift among the well coiffed, well dressed and well off youth, I feel it as somewhat of an obligation to discuss current fashions and trends and give you some tips on how to get ahead in the world of fashion!
FASHION!
I shall start at the very top...
Hair
Scientific evidence has shown that hair are your aerials, picking up signals from the cosmos. That's either science or Withnail and I, I don't quite remember. But either way, you have hair, I have hair, bald people don't, but they make that a style of their own, somehow, anyway.
There are many ways to have your hair. A plethora of styles, shapes and colours natural and artificial. But I shall go over only the most important.
Short
If your hair is short, brush it or comb it in the morning...Then leave it. It's not getting in the way, does not obscure your vision and you can't see how ridiculous it looks. Other people can, however if the most important part of the human experience is, for them, how much product and in what style you hold your hair, these people are not worth knowing.
Long
If you hair is long, brush it in the morning, and put it out of the way. For much the same reasons as above.
This concludes Mercer's fashion tips on hair. Next...
Clothing
Some argue that clothing is not natural, and that wandering around with your genitals on show to the world is the way nature intended. These people misinterpret nature. Clothing can be very practical for two reasons, one of course is that it can be quite cold and nature (who art so perfect....) has deemed it that some species of ape should develop without a thick fur. As a result, humans often have to wear clothes for warmth. Of course the other reason is that we are all hideously insecure about our bodies and do not want others seeing our floppy, worn-slipper like breasts, misshapen testicles, tiny penises and various hairy, cellulite covered wobbly bits. In this case, wearing clothes rather helps prevent anxiety and this can only be a good thing.
So, Mercer's fashion tip for clothes...Wear clothes. The shape, style, price, brand, and cultural associations of what you wear should be pretty irrelevant, so long as you're warm and not insecure.
That concludes Mercer's fashions tips on clothes! Next...
Jewelry
Having been around since ancient times, jewelry is an important part of showing you're a rich git showing off the shiny possibly to make up for the fact that your personality does not sparkle so much as old rocks and polished metals. Some people even see fit to put holes in themselves to put more shiny in them. Therefore, jewelry is pointless, and should not be worn at any time.
"But what about wedding rings/sentimental pieces?" I hear your cry, clutching your precious metal bands and chains. Nope, not even those. If the greatest symbol of your love for another human being is a band of metal you're probably doing it wrong, and if you have sentimental pieces they are more likely to be saved from being lost or stolen if you keep them tucked away somewhere to be dragged out only for occasions of reminiscence.
That concludes Mercer's fashion tips on jewelry! Next...
Shoes
They say you can tell a lot about a man by his shoes, such as "What shoes is he wearing?" or "has he been walking in mud?" Some people choose to wear ridiculously impractical shoes because they look good, whilst failing to recognise that shoes serve a very useful, practical purpose in foot protection during everyday activity. Thus, wear comfortable, practical shoes to avoid ankle and knee problems, or possibly even sciatic nerve issues, or lower back pain due to bad posture due to bad shoes.
That concludes Mercer's fashion tips on shoes.
So, in summary;
Brush/comb your hair, wear clothes, don't wear jewelry, wear comfortable, practical shoes.
FASHION!
I shall start at the very top...
Hair
Scientific evidence has shown that hair are your aerials, picking up signals from the cosmos. That's either science or Withnail and I, I don't quite remember. But either way, you have hair, I have hair, bald people don't, but they make that a style of their own, somehow, anyway.
There are many ways to have your hair. A plethora of styles, shapes and colours natural and artificial. But I shall go over only the most important.
Short
If your hair is short, brush it or comb it in the morning...Then leave it. It's not getting in the way, does not obscure your vision and you can't see how ridiculous it looks. Other people can, however if the most important part of the human experience is, for them, how much product and in what style you hold your hair, these people are not worth knowing.
Long
If you hair is long, brush it in the morning, and put it out of the way. For much the same reasons as above.
This concludes Mercer's fashion tips on hair. Next...
Clothing
Some argue that clothing is not natural, and that wandering around with your genitals on show to the world is the way nature intended. These people misinterpret nature. Clothing can be very practical for two reasons, one of course is that it can be quite cold and nature (who art so perfect....) has deemed it that some species of ape should develop without a thick fur. As a result, humans often have to wear clothes for warmth. Of course the other reason is that we are all hideously insecure about our bodies and do not want others seeing our floppy, worn-slipper like breasts, misshapen testicles, tiny penises and various hairy, cellulite covered wobbly bits. In this case, wearing clothes rather helps prevent anxiety and this can only be a good thing.
So, Mercer's fashion tip for clothes...Wear clothes. The shape, style, price, brand, and cultural associations of what you wear should be pretty irrelevant, so long as you're warm and not insecure.
That concludes Mercer's fashions tips on clothes! Next...
Jewelry
Having been around since ancient times, jewelry is an important part of showing you're a rich git showing off the shiny possibly to make up for the fact that your personality does not sparkle so much as old rocks and polished metals. Some people even see fit to put holes in themselves to put more shiny in them. Therefore, jewelry is pointless, and should not be worn at any time.
"But what about wedding rings/sentimental pieces?" I hear your cry, clutching your precious metal bands and chains. Nope, not even those. If the greatest symbol of your love for another human being is a band of metal you're probably doing it wrong, and if you have sentimental pieces they are more likely to be saved from being lost or stolen if you keep them tucked away somewhere to be dragged out only for occasions of reminiscence.
That concludes Mercer's fashion tips on jewelry! Next...
Shoes
They say you can tell a lot about a man by his shoes, such as "What shoes is he wearing?" or "has he been walking in mud?" Some people choose to wear ridiculously impractical shoes because they look good, whilst failing to recognise that shoes serve a very useful, practical purpose in foot protection during everyday activity. Thus, wear comfortable, practical shoes to avoid ankle and knee problems, or possibly even sciatic nerve issues, or lower back pain due to bad posture due to bad shoes.
That concludes Mercer's fashion tips on shoes.
So, in summary;
Brush/comb your hair, wear clothes, don't wear jewelry, wear comfortable, practical shoes.
Following Mercer's fashion tips could save you a fortune in annual income that you could spend on more important things, like buying your soul back from various aspirational glossy magazines.
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