*Honourable mention* 11. Top ten numbers to have your amp go up to.
10. The numbers 1-10
These are the top ten numbers, and as the top ten numbers they pretty much define top tens. Without them we'd have something else possibly weird and entirely conceptual like a top dustbin filled with hats that is also a boat that's got a set of antique silver spoons for a captain. Can you imagine if people had to write their top dustbinfilledwithhatsthatisalsoaboatthat'sgotasetofantiquesilverspoonsforacaptain lists? Exactly, it's daft. So the numbers 1-10 come in at number 10.
9. Top Ten episodes of cult classic Australian TV show 'Round the Twist'.
Do you remember it? It was like Skippy, but shit and with no kangaroo. I particularly liked the episode where little Jimmy got stuck down the well and on account of not having a clicky bastard marsupial to rescue him we just watched him slowly decompose over 20 minutes.
8. Top Ten vaguely memorable celebrities whose names you forgot but you remember them from that thing you have mostly forgotten.
You know, like whatshisname from that thing? You know? With the ducks that play hockey or something? From the 90s? No?
How about him? You know, tall fellow? Accent? Played that villain in that movie with the other guy? The old dude from Men in Black? You know what I mean?
7. Top Ten Types of Cake
Spoilers - Bundt is inexplicably number one. Chocolate fudge was excluded because it was from a TV show broadcast on a televangelists network and they thought 'chocolate fudge' sounded too much like a gay sex act. The presenter was later found to be very active on the mobile apps Grindr, Bummr, CasualButtSexforHypocritsr
6. Top Ten Lists that Literally Make your Face Spontaneously Combust
A little known list from twisted mystic and international wanky bullshitter Uri Geller. Unfortunately this lie-and-deception spectacular of spoonbendery and benderspoonery was a complete flop on account of only one person's face combusting. This was Uri's after the network threw napalm in it when they saw the ratings.
5. Top Ten Movie Adaptations of Naked Lunch
William S. Burroughs' clusterfuck gratuityfest and classic of literature that you'll never study for GCSEs has been adapted into multiple formats. Famously shittily rewritten by R. L. Stein as '50 Shades of Grey', it was also adapted into a videogame called 'The Sims' and there was also that theme park ride that we can't discuss because of the court cases. However, this list was focused on the famous movie adaptations, such as 'Free Willy', 'Avatar' and 'Harry Potter and That Time He Climaxed from Anal Penetration Providing Sufficient Stimulation To His Prostate As To Facilitate Ejaculation Part 1'.
4. Top Ten Brown Envelope Handovers
One for the police and private investigation enthusiasts. Featuring a Who's Who of all your favourite MPs, we see them take bung after bung getting progressively better over time as is to be expected with a list that counts down from the awesome to the even awesomer in numerical order. It finished with number 1, which is Boris Johnson getting a bribe in an envelope shaped like a man from a man dressed as a brown envelope. The man shaped envelope was convicted of fraud, the envelope shaped man couldn't be tried on account of his being an envelope and as punishment Boris was made leader of the Conservative party and romped home to an election landslide because everyone is stupid.
3. Top Ten Best British People Ever
Getting to the business end now! This one is so amazing I will comment on every entry in the countdown!
10 - Kate Moss - The reformed(?) heroin addict and former stick insect, Moss was voted number 10 because she got her boobs out, but was not higher on the list on account of they were quite small.
9 - Golden Grahams - Not really a person, and likely not British, however they are called Graham, so that's something.
8 - Jade Goody - What she was, right, was an obnoxious racist thicko whose greatest achievement was getting cancer. She had her own posthumous range of scented candles, but they all smelled of the downfall of society.
7 - Queen Elizabeth II - Her legacy will last numerous lifetimes because that's how inbred dynasties work. Still, she does a lot of good for this country, like waving and unleashing her fool of a husband on foreigners - which became the sport of choice for Britain post fox-hunting ban.
6 - Danny Dyer - 'Coz he's a roight nawty geezah! Allegedly.
5 - Nando - Donald H. Nando is the owner and sophisticate entrepreneur responsible for the genius thought of taking a chicken and putting sauce on it. This revelation caused riots across the UK, and since the revolution was won by mouth-breathing nostril pickers you can eat genius saucy chicken in multiple Nandos establishments often on the same street.
4 - That old fella from the Werther's ad - The one we all called a paedo, and the only person on telly between the 60s and the 90s who wasn't one. God bless you for slipping your buttery candy in our mouths.
3 - Katie 'Jordan' Price - Model (surgically enhanced), TV Personality (personality not included), Author (of books she didn't write) and inventor of the 'Quantum Electrodynamic Casimir Field Generator' allowing free and clean energy for all. Price was voted number 3 because she got her boobs out, but was not lower on the list on account of they were quite big.
2 - Anton du Beke - BBC's resident dancing racist is probably most famous for having directed the movie 'Terminator 2: Judgement Day'. Rumour has it he wanted a scene in which Sarah and John Conner do a Viennese Waltz but it was cut at the last minute because they spent all their budget on spangly shoes and apologies.
1 - Clash of Clans - Her contribution to British culture has been unparalleled. From the sculptures that litter our shores, paintings in galleries, to our pastimes. Clash of Clans not only invented the seaside, but she invented ice cream and fish and chips to eat by them. A true Great British icon.
2 - Top Ten Ducks
What's your favourite? The mallard? The Goldeneye? The Widgeon? The Egyptian goose? The crusty shoveller? The shingled bungler? The flying flucktroo? The blasted bastard? The one-eyed bugle? The standard punchbird? The elephantile infantiluck? The dongleplongger?
No, of course not, everyone's favourite duck is Howard.
and finally, what you've all been waiting for.
1 - The Top Ten Top Ten's
This list is legitimately the greatest top ten list ever composed and none shall better it. Officially better than Buzzfeed, and Crackd can shit off. First started in 1812 in Hamburg, the Top Ten Top Ten's became an institution among unappreciated, otherwise ignored shut-ins looking for attention. I am pleased to carry on this proud tradition.
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