A Review of 'The Ancestor's Tale' by Richard Dawkins

I have, at many times during reading, pondered whether this were truly a non-fiction book - for the tales within it are so fantastical, so disturbingly improbable, so amazing, alien, twisted and trippy that surely this could not be real? Yet it is real, and so I made my journey, guided all the way via Dawkin's surprisingly easy to read style, from the present day, back on an ancestral journey that makes BBC's 'Who Do You Think You Are?' look as embarrassingly tedious and self indulgent as it is...

'The Ancestor's Tale' takes the reader on a trip from the present day arrogance and hubristic anthropocentrism, through a series of humblings, back to the last universal common ancestor, and the dawn of life itself. These humblings come in the form of 'concestors', the last common ancestor of ourselves, and those species who join us on our backwards pilgrimage to the dawn of life. Why do I say humblings? Because this is a tome that will remind you how, in the scale of things, human beings are mere infants on this journey of life, yet ones who have been veritably blessed by the workings of evolution - something we would do well to have better awareness of. There is a point, clearly stated and reiterated at many times throughout the book, that any consideration of 'higher' or 'lower' organisms is a bit of a misnomer. We have all, successfully, made our respective ways, via various common ancestors, through around 4 billion years of time. There should be equality and camaraderie in that!

But, enough of my cynical, misanthropic biologist's fanwank. Let's talk about the author. Well, it must be said that Richard Dawkins is a man who divides opinion. However, why does he divide opinion? It is mainly due to his stance on religion (a rational one, it must be said) and the way he puts his message across. Well, for this book, regardless of whether you like Dawkins or not, you can cast those aspersions to one side. Aside from a few sly digs, which seem more humorous than anything else, Dawkins does little in the way of religious polemics here. Indeed, reading it one can imagine a small boy discovering the world for the very first time! The style of writing is measured, yet excited; learned and well researched, yet with a naive and youthful curiosity. The passion the author has for the subject is so self evident, and moves you seamlessly from one amazing adventure to the next like you and he were old childhood pals exploring the woods together. I really did enjoy the style and you could wish for nothing more to accompany you through such an incredible journey.

And here is the other point on the writing style. Very little by the way of ego carries this book. While Dawkins will interject with anecdotes and experiences of his own, it is not these that provide the drive. Dawkins, it seems, has quite rightly given himself a backseat and allowed the sheer wonder of life to carry its own story.

This story of life, it becomes quite clear, is not our story, though we have a part. This is not even the story of the myriad species that join us along the way as we shake hands at ancestral meetings. No. This is the story of something far greater and more all encompassing. The story of the gene. Dawkins sends us down through a roaring cascade of genetic diversity over eons, back to that point when something - though there is contention as to what - first self-replicated. From such humble and biochemical beginnings did it all spring and this book gets that message across in ways that are entertaining and amusing.

I recommend all buy this book, for the simple fact that someone has gone to great lengths to write your genetic autobiography for you and it would be rude not to at least check it out.

One final note, I shall leave on. Reading this book reminds me why I have a desire to understand the world around me, and the life upon it. For those who don't know I am currently at university studying natural science, thus I am hugely involved with biology, to the extent I have invested financially in it! But, when I try to explain things in biological terms to people, they shy away. I have been accused of removing the 'magic' from things. Of being 'too scientific'. And I have been bombarded, time and again, with that hackneyed quote from Horatio in Hamlet!

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

I happen to agree with this quote. There are more things in heaven and earth than can be dreamed in any pursuit of thought, whether scientific, philosophical, or both. I am glad of this, for it means there are always new discoveries, always new things to be found and understood, always new questions to be answered, always new lines of research and new theories to be tested. For some, the 'magic' of life is not removed by an understanding of them. For some, life is not destroyed by breaking it down into its composite parts and doing our best to understand how each works, often intricately with other pieces. Indeed, the 'magic' of life is not destroyed, but rather enhanced. Curiosity did not, as is told, kill the cat, you can check the phylogenetic trees, the felidae are alive and well. But the superstition, ignorance and irrationality of human minds has killed cats, and other animals, and other humans. Indeed, it is proposed we are in the midst of an extinction event that could rival those from pre-history, and this one is mainly anthropogenic - We are to blame. Now, more than ever, an understanding of the natural world and our humble place in it is key. So fear not the lack of 'magic' in life, read 'The Ancestor's Tale' and see the magic is well and truly there, and that life, like all good magicians, is willing to reveal her tricks if we only have the curiosity.

**Google Shopping Link for 'The Ancestor's Tale' by Richard Dawkins**

Age Before Beauty

'Respect your elders!' they say with a stern finger-wag and a harsh stare.

But, I think surely I need no forgiving for suggesting this is perhaps a generation whereby respect for elders is not something that should be a given. Most people will tell you respect is something to be earned, not merely given arbitrarily and this should be no more truthful than in the youth of today.

"RESPECT YOUR ELDERS!" your mother may say after a particular argument. It is not unrealistic, indeed I'd say it would be rather logical to respond with a long, world-weary "Why?"

The elders of today's young people have sold their futures down the river. Whether that be literally, by dumping pollutants into the rivers and waterways of the world, expelling them into the air and then formulating plans on how to deal with it that consist of little more than "We'll do what we can now, and let the future pick up the slack..." or whether it be more figuratively in an economic system built on debt where the previous generation have bought everything on hock and stiffed the young with the tab in the form of a massive economic collapse resulting in reduced opportunity for those young people, yet an increased likelihood of harder work than the previous generations had to do with regards to patching it up..."Respect your elders!" suddenly seems an intangible request.

I am a reasonably young man, but as with anyone I am not getting any younger and see how with the advancing in years and addition of responsibility human beings are capable of losing sight of quite how what they say and do, from an individual, to a global collective level, can have a huge impact on the lives of others - particularly the younger generations. There is something of an irrational assumption that older equals wiser. In some cases there may be some element of truth in this, but what is also likely is that experiences gained, far from making us wiser as human beings can make us spiteful, twisted, jaded and selfish. I would not say these are positive things. I would not say these are wise. The wise people, they work through those things. Process their thoughts and feelings in such fashion as that spite, twistedness, jading and selfishness are eradicated from their thoughts and all they are left with is a better understanding of the world and how to improve it...But these people are the minority. These people are to be respected. But "Respect your elders!" is too much of a general comment. There should be no inherent respect of age, merely of action. Those who have filled their sadly ever-advancing years with good actions surely deserve respect. Those who have filled it with society and trifles probably not so much. It's not that they're bad people, just that maybe they have to work a bit harder for the respect of young people. Sadly, many young people do look up to elders who waste their time with society and trifles - particularly when they get paraded on endless reality TV shows spouting nonsense...

Sorry if this is all a little disjointed...It's more of a...thought exercise than a blog.

The upshot of it is, the more I look around and try to find my place in a world that no longer deems me a member of the youth, the more I realise the older generations rarely try to shape the world for the future. Like leaving a pile of washing up by the sink, the predominant philosophy is "I'll get around to it later!" but later in geopolitical terms is a different thing to washing up - and impacts, to much negativity, on our offspring. Some may see this as some kind of rite of passage. Young people should have to work hard, they're not entitled to anything! ...Well they are fools. Yes, young people should have to work hard. But not because we left them with a hell of a mess to clean up! Provided with ability and opportunity, human beings WORK - it's what we do, from the most 'primitive' of cultures, to the most advanced. The 'entitlement' and 'apathy' that so many criticise is most likely a product of the idea that young people should "Respect their elders!" and thus, clean up their mess! It is also a byproduct of a world that has been left in such a state by 'their elders' that it is bereft of opportunity for many - who are told they are lazy, scum, animals, plebs, an underclass. When you are told this, and made to feel this by various social factors, well it becomes somewhat a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

"Respect your elders!" They made bad political decisions, swap between one useless political shower of shite and another, screw up the economy, rob you of opportunity, mess up your environment, refuse to change even when change is necessary, think too much of themselves and call you lazy when you protest about having to clean up the mess of a world they left behind for you. Respect your elders.

With hindsight, every time my mother asked me to tidy up my room I should have replied "Only when you help me tidy the world." 

Mercer's Fashion Tips!

Fashion has been with us for millenia. That interesting cultural phenomenon of making sure you look good, smell nice and can generally fit in is considered by many to be somewhat intrinsic to the human experience. New decades and centuries bring new developments in fashion. Sometimes old fashions spring back up in later years in retro, or revival styles. It really is quite (not really) fascinating.

Some fashions are written, weaved seamlessly into religious or institutional doctrines. This is done in order to provide an order to a certain group of people. Some cynics may suggest this is done as a psychological exercise, providing a sense of uniformity that better indoctrinates people to conform and identify with their own group as opposed to others. But we don't listen to cynics, do we? Some fashions are unwritten rules, sub-dividing a culture into different groups...usually for much the same purposes as the aforementioned written rules! Ultimately, it all comes down to fucking anyway, as this peacockish fashion show continues with us all in the vain hope of passing on our genes to a new generation of ultimately shallow, doomed fuckups.

Being as I am now cast adrift among the well coiffed, well dressed and well off youth, I feel it as somewhat of an obligation to discuss current fashions and trends and give you some tips on how to get ahead in the world of fashion!

FASHION!

I shall start at the very top...

Hair

Scientific evidence has shown that hair are your aerials, picking up signals from the cosmos. That's either science or Withnail and I, I don't quite remember. But either way, you have hair, I have hair, bald people don't, but they make that a style of their own, somehow, anyway.

There are many ways to have your hair. A plethora of styles, shapes and colours natural and artificial. But I shall go over only the most important.

Short

If your hair is short, brush it or comb it in the morning...Then leave it. It's not getting in the way, does not obscure your vision and you can't see how ridiculous it looks. Other people can, however if the most important part of the human experience is, for them, how much product and in what style you hold your hair, these people are not worth knowing.

Long 

If you hair is long, brush it in the morning, and put it out of the way. For much the same reasons as above.

This concludes Mercer's fashion tips on hair. Next...

Clothing

Some argue that clothing is not natural, and that wandering around with your genitals on show to the world is the way nature intended. These people misinterpret nature. Clothing can be very practical for two reasons, one of course is that it can be quite cold and nature (who art so perfect....) has deemed it that some species of ape should develop without a thick fur. As a result, humans often have to wear clothes for warmth. Of course the other reason is that we are all hideously insecure about our bodies and do not want others seeing our floppy, worn-slipper like breasts, misshapen testicles, tiny penises and various hairy, cellulite covered wobbly bits. In this case, wearing clothes rather helps prevent anxiety and this can only be a good thing.

So, Mercer's fashion tip for clothes...Wear clothes. The shape, style, price, brand, and cultural associations of what you wear should be pretty irrelevant, so long as you're warm and not insecure.

That concludes Mercer's fashions tips on clothes! Next...

Jewelry

Having been around since ancient times, jewelry is an important part of showing you're a rich git showing off the shiny possibly to make up for the fact that your personality does not sparkle so much as old rocks and polished metals. Some people even see fit to put holes in themselves to put more shiny in them. Therefore, jewelry is pointless, and should not be worn at any time.

"But what about wedding rings/sentimental pieces?" I hear your cry, clutching your precious metal bands and chains. Nope, not even those. If the greatest symbol of your love for another human being is a band of metal you're probably doing it wrong, and if you have sentimental pieces they are more likely to be saved from being lost or stolen if you keep them tucked away somewhere to be dragged out only for occasions of reminiscence.

That concludes Mercer's fashion tips on jewelry! Next...

Shoes

They say you can tell a lot about a man by his shoes, such as "What shoes is he wearing?" or "has he been walking in mud?" Some people choose to wear ridiculously impractical shoes because they look good, whilst failing to recognise that shoes serve a very useful, practical purpose in foot protection during everyday activity. Thus, wear comfortable, practical shoes to avoid ankle and knee problems, or possibly even sciatic nerve issues, or lower back pain due to bad posture due to bad shoes.

That concludes Mercer's fashion tips on shoes.

So, in summary; 

Brush/comb your hair, wear clothes, don't wear jewelry, wear comfortable, practical shoes.

Following Mercer's fashion tips could save you a fortune in annual income that you could spend on more important things, like buying your soul back from various aspirational glossy magazines. 

On Returning

The last time I was at this establishment I was a wreck. To say I was a shadow of my former self implies, in clichéd fashion, that there was a former self to be. I do not think I was anyone in those days, nor did I feel like I was anyone. I was not there. Now, I return, triumphantly it could be said, after a hiatus of two years, and I see mirrors of myself wandering the lichen laden concrete pathways. A lifestyle as hardy as the moss, that perpetuates despite increasingly tougher conditions.

After a two year break, following a near three year battle with mental illness, I am finally back at university. The completion of my studies, once a seemingly impossible dream, now seems ever more likely as, step by step, I somehow survive, even thrive, and grow  more comfortable into the academic scene I left all those years ago as an anxious, panicked, depressive husk.

I was a slightly more mature student to begin with. Turning up with a spring in my step and a few years extra life experience over my colleagues. Now I feel like an old man, advanced only a couple of years in age, but decades in experience. But, back then, I could still have fun, I could socialise. Not out of any talent or necessity, but out of insecurity. I would drink not as a social exercise in fun, but out of an essential urge to be intoxicated. Alcoholism would have been a term I probably held in the back of my mind, but would pass over, merely claiming I was 'joining in' or 'enjoying the campus experience'. Of course, these lies are something most alcoholics tell themselves at some point. The hollow mental whisperings of denial that keep us on that easy path of never confronting the real issues, but simply masking them with the forgetful, heady airs, graces and feelings of booze.

I see, drifting among the towering stone structures, individuals finally cut free of their umbilical ties and whose first instinct seems to be to make noise, mess and their livers explode. Where once I would have joyfully joined, now I merely wince in pain and curse these people, not out of malice towards them, but out of projection. Out of a loathing not of them, but of me and the past that I consider such a mistake.

Do I envy their youth? Of course. Do I envy their lifestyle? Of course. Do I envy the freedom with which they can enjoy themselves free from the trappings of their own, ever mumbling, minds? Definitely. But at the same time I must accept we are different, them and I. We have different backgrounds, different experiences, different lives and different desires. I see their alcohol fueled social gatherings and their merriment and I feel slight envy, yes. I must also, though, reflect on the fact that I have had my time. It did not go well, and I wish I could have enjoyed it more. But I had my time to do what they are doing and now I must move on.

Now, instead of pondering when I shall have time to frequent the bar, I ponder when I shall have time to frequent the library. Instead of looking forward to meeting new people with whom to drink and make merry, I look forward to meeting new questions, new challenges, new areas of interest in my subject and hopefully those to share it with me.

My mind has been whirring away trying to work out what is a genuine insecurity. Am I now an old man? I stay in, I read, I chat to those important to me, I go to bed early, I wake up early, I cook good food, I eat healthily, I take care of myself - mostly in isolation. The kind of redundant tedium we would generally associate with middle age appears to be my lot at the moment. "Am I now an old man?" I ask myself. It has taken a while to come to a conclusion, but the answer is no. I am merely a much more experienced young one, with different needs to these youths who so immerse themselves in indulgence. I am here to indulge my mind, and enrich my life, not indulge my body and enlarge my liver.

The New iPhone 5 - 7 Changes That Will Blow Your Mind!

Well, it's FINALLY HERE! The latest and greatest from Apple's epic series of mobile telecommunication devices! Yes, people have queued, lined up, beaten each other to death, trampled each other, saw nothing wrong with this, and FINALLY get their hands on the greatest technological innovation since sliced bread and/or the iPhone 4! Forget the mass amounts of Chinese labourers working long hours for shit pay, because we are assured their conditions are 'improving' - maybe now that can take one two-minute break per eight years work and are allowed to visit a doctor if they feel like their life is as a redundant part of a production line...merely a cog in a huge industrial machine...and they are feeling suicidal WHO CARES!? Who cares about seven year old miners (minor miners!) on the African continent digging up rare ores and minerals to make circuitry so they can have enough money to not die for a week...THERE'S NO TIME FOR HUMANITY AND EMPATHY! THERE'S A NEW iPHONE AND I'VE GOT APPS AND SHIT TO DOWNLOAD!!!!

So here they are...The AMAZING tech innovations that Apple has blessed the world with like the benevolent Gods they are!

1) SAME APPROXIMATE SHAPE AS THE LAST ONE!

Now you don't have to worry that people won't think you have an iPhone! Apple really dropped the ball when they changed shape between iPhones 3 and 4 as many people couldn't recognise what it was! "Is that an iPhone? It doesn't look like one and appearance is EVERYTHING to me because I am shallow!" they would say! So, this time around Apple have kept the same basic shape! How fucking clever!

2) BIGGER SCREEN!

Yeah, Apple have GONE THERE! In an impressive move that has set the mobile telecommunications world into gasps of shock and jaw-droppery, Apple...HAVE MADE THE SCREEN BIGGER! Tired of having to look at things on a very small screen? Now, you just get a quite small screen! AMAZING! This is an unheard of move that nobody has ever done before. This new bigger screen has been redesigned to allow for a bit more eye-room, approximately half an inch, and is made of exactly the same stuff as the old screen! HOW INNOVATIVE! I've not seen so many people shit themselves at the sight of a slightly-bigger-screen so much since the launch of the Nintendo DSXL! (During which one man actually died of what medical professionals could only describe as delusion...) So, Apple! You have excelled yourselves! A bigger screen? How fucking clever!

3) NEW CONNECTOR!

Tired of that old, huge, 30-pin connector? Yeah, most companies were back in around 2008 and moved on to smaller ones...But Apple didn't! Like the great innovators they are! They waited...they waited a long time...they waited a disproportionate length of time during which they were happy to have such a difficult connection! But, that's only because they wanted to make sure they had the PERFECT connector! The new Lightning connector will be so much smaller you'll be left screaming "Where is that giant, cumbersome crevice in the base of my iPhone!?" Instead, you will now have a much smaller, arbitrarily different, proprietary connector...much like other phones have had for ages! But Apple's is better...because...APPLE! How fucking clever!

4) BETTER CAMERA!

Tired of having that shitty, old, 2004 tech, 5 Mega-pixel piece of junk with a terrible zoom? Now you can have a shitty, old, 2008 tech, 8 Mega-pixel piece of junk with a terrible zoom...IN HD!!!!! Yes, Apple have made the shitty cameras on their devices slightly less shitty, making sure you can take awful shots of things no one gives a fuck about and upload them to instagram in slightly less shitty quality! WHAT AN INNOVATION! Of course, we all know that 8 Mega-pixels is DEFINITELY better than 5 Mega-pixels, because 8 is a bigger number! And that's the end of that. How fucking clever!

5) THREE! COUNT THEM! THREE MICROPHONES!

Yes, I bet you're tired of your relatively decent call quality. Have you ever wanted a phone call with sound quality SO CLEAR it's like being with the other person!? WELL NOW that probably won't happen because I'm not sure if the tinny speakers can really do that BUT APPLE HAVE ADDED MORE FUCKING MICROPHONES! Yes, with two dedicated noise cancelling microphones, now Siri can hear you talk about how awesome you are because you have the new iPhone in even better quality...and not bring up search results for "How I know I'm a Dick..." by mistake after mishearing you. All that REALLY IMPORTANT stuff you say will sound even MORE IMPORTANT! Maybe...again, depends on the quality of the other speaker...HOW FUCKING CLEVER!

6) NEW TECHNOLOGY!

Did you think Apple were going to include the same old shit in their phone? Did you think they'd have the same RAM, processors and antennae technology? OF COURSE NOT SILLY! THIS IS APPLE! Or any other manufacturer bringing out a new product...Yes! Thanks to the AMAZING AND UNIQUE INNOVATION at Apple, they have taken lots of components that other people not affiliated with Apple have made better. They have also, counter to common sense (presumably) improved their custom chipset to make it EVEN BETTER! They have, since the iPhone 4 been working on it!...AND PUT THEM IN THE IPHONE! This is...just...SERIOUSLY MARVEL AT THE GENIUS INVENTION OF THE APPLE GENIUSES! How fucking clever.

7) LUDICROUS PRICETAG!

Apple knows you! Apple knows! Apple knows you don't want to buy a reasonably priced phone that fits your budget, doesn't bankrupt you and still performs well doing all that stuff you love...like calling, texting and playing Angry Birds! APPLE KNOWS YOU WANT TO BUY STATUS WITH MONEY YOU DON'T HAVE SO YOU CAN LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE MORE MONEY THAN YOU HAVE! They know you want a mobile phone contract that contains things you don't use, for a price well above the odds, as well as having to pay a little bit extra for the phone...Because obviously price = STATUS! The more you pay for it, the better a person you must be to have all that money. So they have given you 24 month contracts of £35-40 with a £50-100 charge for the phone...Just for you, so you know people won't think you're poor, even though you are and are even more so now because you just got the new iPhone! Apple also knows that as a result of the blacklisting of your name due to County Court Judgments due to not being able to pay your last phone contract, Apple knows some people can't have phone contracts any more and need pay as you go...SO APPLE WILL SELL YOU THE iPHONE 5 FOR A LUDICROUS PRICE ANYWAY! So people still won't think you're poor...Good ol' Apple, looking out for you. How fucking clever.

Mind, meet blown!

Slender - A Short Review

Slender.

Just the name of it sounds scary. Like a hideously withdrawn, stick-thin, pseudoscientific 'nutritionist' bint, with more bone than meat to her composition, about to tell you how to change your diet so you can be just as ghostly and soulless as her.

Slender.

Sounds like a brand of artificial sweetener that aforementioned nagging bint would recommend you use because sugar is bad for you.

Slender.

Like trying to say 'surrender' when you can't speak, because you haven't eaten properly for two weeks on the advice of someone with a PhD from the internet, and the mouth cancer your artificial sweetener caused!

SLENDER!

It sounds creepy!

For those who do not know, Slender (or Slender: The Eight Pages - as the current working title is) is a free, first person horror game currently in beta - From Parsec Productions. It first came to my attention by watching notoriously glorious, infamous, misogynistic viking and King of Sweden, Robbaz play it. I thought little of it at the time, but then, like Slenderman in the game, the game itself seemed to pop up and gaze at me wherever I turned.

The premise is quite simple. You, in some woods, with a flashlight. You find creepy hand drawn/written notes, and you are chased by what looks like a faceless version of that long armed waiter from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life "I wonder where that fish did go!?"

...That's it, pretty much. No deep, intense psychological tests and manipulation á la Silent Hill. No needless hordes of zombies á la Resident Evil. No immense plot, no sense of claustrophobia, no subtle trickery. Just you, in the dark, being followed.

I'm going to tell you something about so called 'scary' games. They don't scare me. I'm going to tell you something about Slender. It scares the living fuck out of me! It seems to tap in to a primal instinct to look for danger. You can't look at Slenderman - that's how he gets you...BUT YOU HAVE TO! You need to look around, you need to find the pages and part of you, a tiny, curious part of you knows he may be there - and dares you to look. You don't hear footsteps behind you, but you know he's there. He's everywhere. A tree pops into your peripheral vision and you give a little start thinking 'Oh God! I thought that was Slenderman!' - Your vision gets all interfered with when he's nearby. Like static on a television. But when that happens, you don't stop and run. You turn...You look. You have to...And you hope you don't see him, but know you will and when you do your heart races. I am not kidding. Play this, at night, alone and with the lights off.

What makes it creepier? Slenderman does not move. Slenderman does not run after you. Slenderman pursues you inactively. He is there, and he will get you. Like the grim spectre of death, he lingers and merely waits for the moment. He doesn't have to hunt you, you will go to him eventually. There is a creepy, horribly primal thing with this game. The simplicity of it and lack of characterisation is all the immersion you need. You feel the helplessness, you feel the hopelessness, you feel the fear as if you were actually in this situation. Or, at least, I did...and it's rare for me to do so for a 'scary' videogame.

So, if you like a good fear-based thrill, check out Slender - It is free, it is good, it is fun and it is, for me, genuinely quite scary.

Slender: The Eight Pages by Parsec Productions

Phone Review: T-Mobile Vivacity

Those who know me know I absolutely abhor mobile telecommunications. The devices, the networks, the plans, the data - I can't stand the bloody things. But, owing to certain upcoming changes in my life, it rather became a necessity that I delve, once more, into the sordid and complicated world of PHONES! <insert scary and dramatic music>

The first problem I had was budget. I'm a pauper. Surprisingly, being opinionated on the internet doesn't earn you money and since people don't want to buy funny, original novels - choosing instead to buy Battle Royale with younger characters, an overdone fantasy setting made popular by a TV adaptation of the books that came first, or twisted, gender subversive BDSM-lite (I'm not bitter, honest!). So the upshot is that I'm broke as fuck. The problem with that is that I also need a semi-decent device! My life is about to get all kinds of busy and I need something I can keep by my side and have it be a communicator and organiser in one. In short, I needed a smartphone.

There are cheap smartphones on the market, but they're basically bricks running copies of Android so antiquated the screen settings only include black and white, or sepia. What is more, these tend to cost £20-30, which, for something that is barely functional, does not represent good value for money.

So, what do we do!?

Well, enter ZTE! ZTE are a Chinese telecomms manufacturer who seem to have really come into their own in Western markets in the smartphone era; mainly via offering their handsets as carrier-branded models to networks for cheaps. Thus, I got myself a T-Mobile Vivacity (Specs via GsmArena) (link to T-Mobile)  - Which is basically a reskinned ZTE Crescent.

Appearance

The phone itself is designed to look like an iPhone (images in link) - So much so I consider it a complete rip off. This is not a ZTE thing, I think this is a T-Mobile thing, as the other branded reskin of it, the Orange San Francisco II - has a slightly different appearance. But, you can't complain that it looks too much like an iPhone. It's like moaning that your car looks a bit too much like an Aston Martin when it isn't one...It looks good - that's all that matters. The phone itself is also very light (around 120g), thanks in part to it being made of plastic. The plastic is sturdy enough, but if you're truly a vainglorious git, you may want to avoid it for status reasons and, it attracts fingerprints like nothing I've seen (well, since the piano black PSP). Also the buttons (on/off and a volume rocker) are neat, discrete and well placed.

Shall I give an arbitrary score? I think I shall. It is pretty, and it is functional - but expect little originality. A solid 7/10.

Display

One of the important things when it comes to getting a smartphone, the display on the Vivacity is actually one of the most surprising things about it. While I have seen much better, brighter screens, for the price-point, the Vivacity's screen is actually very good. Coming with a 3.5" TFT capacitive touchscreen, it is both bright and responsive. If you have large fingers, the keyboard may be a little fiddly when in portrait, however. As with the phone, the screen seems to be some kind of fingerprint magnet, so get yourself a protector that is less so, or expect to clean it a lot. But the tradeoff is you get a budget phone with a 480x800 screen that nets you approximately 267 ppi that will be great for any mobile entertainment needs. For the price you pay, having to give it a wipe on your jeans more often than not is hardly the end of the world (See Dec. 21st, 2012)

While not the greatest screen, it is bright, with excellent vivid colour, sharp pixels and an excellent resolution. This gets an 8/10.

Camera

Now a mainstay of mobile phones, much to the detriment of photographic quality everywhere, phone cameras are serious business, and when you buy from the low end of the market, you don't expect to get much bang for your pound. Even phones like Apple's flagship device have cameras so seemingly aged (despite them being quite new) you can often see the faint top-bar of the lens' zimmer frame in shots - and thus the popularity of filter apps such as that one everyone uses whose name escapes me but that basically takes grainy photos and then goes "No look, the graininess is just deliberate and intended to be artistic..." when it's not.

So, the Vivacity provides you with a bit of a shock when you first try out its modest, yet passable, 5 megapixel camera with LED flash. Responsive and clear it will take good shots of you and your mates arsing around, or of inane things no one really cares about but that you think worthy of taking a photograph of. Really, if you want a good review of the photo clarity in the Vivacity, look elsewhere (Pocket-Lint review), this is of little importance to me. I have tried it out for a few shots and it is crisp, it is clear and it is functional. It is better than the camera on the iPhone 4, in my opinion, despite the iSight camera supposedly being 8 megapixel and the best thing since sliced bullshit marketing shtick. For your  basic needs, the Vivacity has you covered, but if you want to take good photos DON'T TAKE THEM ON YOUR PHONE! GET A BLOODY CAMERA! Seriously, you can get a 14 megapixel camera for about £30-40 these days, which dwarfs the price you pay for a phone with a decent camera!

Ranting aside, the Vivacity also has a front facing, basic, VGA camera - while I haven't had the chance to test it out yet, it's probably grainier than a flour mill and as clear as mud - but that's not to fault the Vivacity, I think most front cameras I've seen are like that. It also has a camcorder function, but like with VGA, these tend to have the clarity of 70s straight-to-video blaxploitation films...In fact, if you want to record a parody or homage blaxploitation film...Phone camcorder! That's probably what they used for Black Dynamite or something...

The camera is not a selling point for me, but if you like that sort of thing the Vivacity brings you a 5 megapixel one that put the rest of the budget competition for shame (Most I saw were around 3.2 megapixel) - but that maybe doesn't compare to the big boys. As a result, another solid 7/10.

Sound and Call Quality

The Vivacity comes with your basic alert types. An innuendo-laden vibrate function and a loudspeaker for young people to play annoying, bland, senseless, lyrically and musically inferior pop songs on. With support for both MP3 and WAV ringtones, you can certainly get your fill of shit music on this device and the speaker, while not winning any awards, is of a pretty decent quality. The phone also comes with a 3.5mm jack so that people with two brain cells to rub together (of which there seems to be too few) can plug earphones or headphones into the device and not subject us to their ear-bleedingly piss poor and soulless music. The volume is excellent also, and I don't think I'll ever miss a call again, which is why I, in my misanthropic fervour, shall keep it on silent.

The call quality itself is pretty decent also. Again, comparing it with other devices I have used it is not better, nor no worse. The ear-speaker is clear and not muffled or tinny in any way, and no one has complained on the other end of my being distorted or muffled. It's a functional phone and thus the phone part of it is, not surprisingly and rather tautologically, the most functional. A very decent quality for a very low price.

Not much to talk about here. It work and it works well. A solid 7/10 again.

Memory

Now, if you want an area where budget smartphones come unstuck, you've found it. On the positive side, it comes with a MicroSD that can take up to a 32GB sized card. Plenty of memory for you to put bland pop tunes and silly games on. But with only 512MB internal memory, Apps 2 SD (or A2SD - which will transfer any apps - or parts of apps - to the SD card instead of the default install location on the internal memory) is a MUST! If you plan on being a heavy app user and can't find your way around moving apps to the SD card - you're going to have trouble with this device. If you can do that, however, getting yourself a 16 or 32GB memory card will easily solve your memory issues - indeed, the phone itself comes with a 2GB MicroSD, which should be enough to placate any basic user.

Frankly, it is easy to complain about the bad internal memory, but other devices around this price point don't fare much better and in the 'you get what you pay for' stakes, it is only really this and the plastic casing that stand out. This really is one of the only downsides to this phone, and one easily combated, as mentioned above, by getting yourself a decent SD card and A2SD. Still, it's noticeable and it does make a little extra work when you're downloading, thus the memory gets a decidedly average 5/10.

Operating System (and potential for fuckery)

The Vivacity comes preloaded with Android Gingerbread (2.3.5) which is perfectly functional and it comes loaded with little T-Mobile bloatware. However, with a good strength community on Modaco, due to this phone being an excellent device for the price-point, there are custom ROMs available (install at your own risk) that can debrand your front screen, give you all sorts of customisation or, as is the case with myself, for a small trade off of LED flash and front camera function, give you a very functional version of Android 4.0.4! Yeah, I'm not kidding. This, even with a paltry 512MB RAM, can run Ice Cream Sandwich quite well - indeed in my opinion this is running better than the preinstalled Gingerbread.

That's where this phone really shines. Messing around with its systems, rooting it, unlocking it, changing ROMs and settings and customising it...With a little bit of research, it is easy to make this device truly your own. Electronic-fuckery is strong in this one and it is one of the reasons I got the device. I knew I could unlock it free, and I knew I could update the ROM to something I wanted.

With Ice Cream Sandwich on mine, responsiveness is pretty good. The occasional freeze, but it did exactly the same with the original Gingerbread for me! But, as mentioned, there are good communities supporting this device (or its kin, the ZTE Crescent and Orange San Francisco II - all exactly the same device) so if you have any issues, it shouldn't be too difficult to get help.

The OS runs well on the device. Both original and other ROMS. I don't think there are any plans to upgrade the official OS, so if you don't know what you are doing, or don't want to lose front camera functionality, then you'll be stuck with Gingerbread. Not catastrophic by any means, as it is a good, functioning operating system with much support. But it is going to become fast outdated with the advent of 4.0 and that this budget device has a very workable solution in that regard is a credit to the modders.

While Android 2.3 is becoming outdated, the ease with which the Vivacity can be messed with, customised and upgraded, and the fact that it is so cheap making you less nervous about invalidating your warranty to do so, make this a solid, affordable option for an Android 4.0 device! It may not run perfect, but you can bet someone is working on optimising it further! As such, I have to give this a respectable 8/10.

Battery Life

When looking into this phone, battery life was one of the big issues that got flagged up, especially on T-Mobile's site itself. But as usual, when you get masses of reviews from laborious shitmunchers who expect to have everything turned on for no cost to power efficiency, you get a lot of stupid. With a bit of care you can extend the life of your 1500 mAh li-ion battery quite a bit.

Let's not excuse the fact, though, that if you are running this device with everything switched on, running an app, making calls etc. You probably won't get much more than a day's heavy use. Things like bluetooth, wifi, GPRS (all included - not bad for your money) will drain your battery and the screen seems to be quite power intensive on its own. Out of the box, this thing is going to go through juice like a thirsty me - SchlurpySchlurp.

But as mentioned, with a bit of management, you can make this go for three days without needing a charge. I've made a few calls, sent  few texts, opened the browser for a bit and after about three days I'm down to just under half battery. I recommend finding a free power management app, that will monitor both power and performance and give you a quick interface with which to shut off your extraneous tasks. I believe you do have a default control panel to give you the ability to switch things off, but I am using NQ Mobile Booster and it is working well for me, and it is hardly any effort at all, since I have the widget on my front screen.

So, while the battery life is inexcusable, it is mainly the ignorance to the power management that leads to people having issues. Still, this has to be a sub-par 6/10.

App Playability

With access to the Android Store, or Android Play or Google Play or Play Play Store or whatever the hell it's called now - You have access to thousands of apps to help eat up your battery, steal your attention and distract you from the fact that you had to buy this device due to a grotesquely unfair capitalist system that is currently going to rot at the moment - leading to mass misery and resource wars...YAY APPS!

Of course, your basic stuff runs on the Vivacity with no issues. I've even had basic 3D games running on it. The problem comes with the fact that, with only 512MB of RAM, a reasonable 800MHz processsor and little by way of graphics processing, this device will not run the higher end games. But if you want to play higher end games, you're probably nerd savvy enough to know you'll need a device that can handle them and will avoid this anyway. But for your basic everyday use the Vivacity is a terrific piece of kit that can process any basic app and still give you a daily dose of Angry Birds on the bus/train/at your desk when you should be working. For basic use, the Vivacity is excellent, with the main problem coming (as described in the Memory section) with storing any apps you may want or need. Apps 2 SD is a must!

Overall, I'll give this another solid 7/10. It's no higher, because it can't run the high-end apps, but it's functional with basic, everyday apps that most people will want.

Other Stuff and Summary

As with most phones these days, this device comes with a lot of other functionality for your money. GPRS, bluetooth, WiFi (which can often go missing on budget devices), accelerometer, proximity sensor, compass, FM radio, music and video playback etc. etc. This is a budget phone that comes loaded with most of the things you expect from mid-to-high end devices - and they function like you would expect them to on mid-to-high end devices - Only you don't pay the mid-to-high end price.

The T-Mobile Vivacity/Orange San Francisco II/ZTE Crescent/Whatever you want to call it is never going to dazzle people. Value for money just is not important in a culture as vain and status-driven as ours. Where everyone needs the biggest, brightest screen, the newest device, the fastest processor, or even worse, just need something with an Apple motif on it. But if you are one of those people who don't buy into this status, and just need a functional phone, but maybe are looking into branching out into the smartphone market - This device is perfect for you, it truly is. This will do everything you need from it, and more, and to the same ability as a device that can cost up to three times as much. It is good looking, discrete, with a good screen, reasonable touch, and really is a big surprise for the price I paid. I was expecting much less and it is nice when such a device gives you a pleasant surprise. The 800MHz processor, 512MB of RAM and tiny internal memory are already outdated, soon to be damn near antiquated. But they do the job, and if you're looking for an entry level smartphone, you can do much, much worse and pay all the more for it.

And so let's move on to...

Price

This was a cheap device when it was released last November, costing around £100, and it was given decent enough reviews then, praising it for being a very functional entry level smartphone. A recent price drop to £69.99 made this phone one of the best options...But at the moment, from T-Mobile, for this handset as a pay-as-you-go it will cost you £49.99+£10 credit.

£59.99!

That's an amazing price when compared to anything else of the level and functionality of this phone, and that was the main reason I got it! Needing only a simple smartphone, and not wanting to spend too much I have been shocked and overjoyed by just how well the Vivacity works, and as mentioned a few times before, there is a huge online community of people who, owing to their passion for electroni-fuckery, and the cheap price of this device, are working on mods, fixes, customisations, OS upgrades, improvements etc. etc. It's truly an amazing device for the price.

Overall, in terms of functionality as an Android phone, I'd give this a solid 7/10. But when you take into account the price, it pushes it into 8 or 9/10 territory. At a time when even older devices made redundant by upgrades (iPhone 3G, Samsung Galaxy S and SII now) can cost a couple of hundred pounds, ZTE have provided an excellent and cheap device and T-Mobile have given a great deal on it. Keep in mind that Orange still sell the same phone, in their San Francisco II, for double that price! Anyone looking at upgrading an old PAYG dumbphone to a new smartphone should consider this device.

Alternatives

Virgin Mobile currently have the ZTE Kis for a similar price, with some very good deals on it. However, the Kis is inferior and the ease of unlocking the Vivacity means even if you really like Virgin's tariffs, you can get them on a better phone!

Various featurephones - Many networks will offer these for reasonable prices, but they come with custom operating systems that lack the punch of Android. Usually sold as being social media or music/video friendly, they will do nothing the Vivacity can do, and less.

Huawei Ascend G300 - The ONLY phone that made me hesitate about getting the Vivacity. Currently locked to Vodafone, the Huawei is considered by many to be the best low price Android smartphone out there. Currently around £99 locked to Voda, that exclusivity ends soon. Expect sim-free, unlocked prices to be a bit more, however. If you can get hold of one of these, unlocked, for the £99 price point, it's definitely worth it. But I suspect unlock prices will definitely be around £120-130 - which pushes this from the budget, to the mid-range for me and puts the Vivacity ahead of it. One of the other things to note is that, at the moment, unless your really like Vodafone, there is no easy, free unlock for the G300 - meaning you either have to take it to a shop/buy an unlock code/buy an unlock code from Vodafone - which will cost a further £10-20...It's a great phone, like I said, but it's not £59.99, is it? For those not willing to make a £100+ investment, the Vivacity is King.

Other Links
Review on CNet, including a good little video.